Dear God. It's Me. A Woman.

Dear God

It's me.

A woman.

I know you're listening.

Some people tell me you're not.

I know you are.

I feel you in me.

I feel the small peace - the piece - of heaven inside me.

It knows you're here and feels Your presence when we are close. When You are nearby.

I try to feel that way all the time.

I don't though.

I'm here at your doorstep. I want to know you're here and you care.

Sometimes I don't feel that way.

I'm a woman. I was brought up in close awareness of You.

You were the first thing I thought of when I wake. And when I sleep. I washed negel vasser and said Shema and went to shul and went to school and learned all about You. About what you did to Avraham and Sarah and Moshe and David Hamelech and everybody.

And I saw what everyone did in shul and how it was all for the sake of You.

Avinu Av Harachaman. Racheim Aleinu. Dayn Ben Yochid. 

Father, Merciful Father. Have Mercy on Us. Your Only Son.

Tatenu. 

Oh, Father!

Am I your Only Son?

Surely you care. I'm a girl. But you care, right. I'm your daughter. Your Ben Yachid.

But I'm left out from being part of you, so I don't want to have any part in it. And I want to want it but this side isn't as fun as that side, and these girls can't do what they want like those boys.

But I see the little boys, the kids with long peyos waiting for the buses and I see that they are being told to do everything for Your sake too, and I wonder if it's what you really want.

I saw so many people do things for you all our lives.

Ein Od Milvado

There is Nothing Else

That was the refrain.

Are you here Hashem? It's me, a woman.

Mimkomcha Malkeinu. From your place, Our King.

Look at us. Look at us. Rule over us. Us too. Us women. Your loyal subjects. Make us part of your kingdom.

We are waiting for it.

Help my sister. All our sisters. To be free. To be the women they can be.

Help me. Help my sisters be the women we can be even if we don't have children or husbands. As the women we are.

Help me be free to express this without fear of judgement or repercussions, because I'm bound in your love so it doesn't matter what others think. Help me feel secure in the love of you, my true parent.

Ancestors! Can you hear me. I'm a woman.

I'm a Jewish woman.

I want to be Jewish. I want to be a woman. It is what I am. I want to feel it and own it and participate in it.

For me it might not mean a family and babies. Maybe not yet, maybe not now.

But surely there are other ways. Surely my voice can be heard.

It is hard without the support. I guess women like having men around because of the support they give. The safety. The ability to lean back. To surrender. To know they've done all they can and someone else will catch them when they fall.

To know I've done my best and Hashem will do the rest.

Hashem help me 

Help me be the woman I can be

Flaws and all

Unafraid

Yet so able.

I'm afraid of being judged because I know I'm doing what's right.

Secure in my love for you because you love me

I don't know if you're there

I don't know if you care

I don't know

I want to care

I want you to be there

I'm a woman. I'm not angry. I'm sad. I'm frustrated. I want to.

Why was I told these things why was I given these things if they're off limits to me

I don't think you meant it that way

Now I'm not going to show this to anyone because I want it to be about you and me

On way to reconciliation

Shalom

Aleichem

King of kings

Stewarding angels

The Holy

One

blessed be

He

Let us be blessed

Let us be safe

Let us be healed

Let us be happy 

Let us be fulfilled

Let us go in peace and come in peace and depart in peace

Let us be well

Let us achieve what we can achieve

Let us fulfil our potential

Let us reach the path you've set out and forge paths of our own beyond your wildest expectations.

Babies and husbands and wives and joy and laughter and amazing careers and safety and health and success and financial stability and peace in our land and safety for Jews and no more premature deaths and no more sanctimonious rabbis who profess your name but don't live up to it.